Only Human

It’s been a few months now since the birth of Elizabeth, and it would seem that I have avoided any sort of update on whether or not I won the anxiety battle on that day.  The truth is, in fact, that I have been avoiding this post.  I have been avoiding it because anxiety certainly had the better of me for some of the time that I was so confident that it wasn’t going to be an issue this time around.  However, I write this now to share because I have since learned from the experience.

In the days leading up to December 11th, I was feeling really good about everything.  Each step closer to the date felt somewhat familiar, which I think kept my mind at ease for the most part.  With Mason, we had a planned c-section for precautionary reasons.  So there was a organized plan.  It was going to be the same thing this time too.  December 11th at 9AM.  So this time I was thinking…I was here before, so I know what to expect.  Everything was going according to plan, day by day, until the very early morning of the 11th.

There was absolutely zero possibility that I would be prepared for what happened next…

Melanie’s water broke (which we didn’t get to experience the first time around) at 3AM.  Any form of organized structure went straight out the window pretty quickly in that moment.  It’s really difficult to contain anxiety when you are so tired, and you have to rush to get ready and out the door.  Needless to say, it was the most heavenly environment for anxiety to say the least.  From what I can remember, the drive to the hospital consisted of a lot of shivering from either the cold or nerves, maybe both.

Once we had arrived and Melanie was admitted, it was still another 3 to 4 hours before c-section time.  So now, instead of the rush of their seemingly being no time to waste, I was now stuck with anxiety from having to now wait.  As the hours dragged by and the end near, I had to make a decision: Am I going into the operating room?  To anyone who has read my previous post, A Chance For Redemption, this decision would be the redemption for when Mason was born.  But my anxiety…

I decided to let Melanie’s mother go in my place.  At the moment of my decision, I expected  relief.  But I didn’t get much..maybe a little.  As I waited in the waiting room with my sister, I kept trying to tell myself that everything was going to be okay.  I prayed about it.  I talked about it.  I did all I could think of to help ease the feelings of anxiety.  Nothing was working…


a picture

Melanie’s mother had sent a picture message to my phone of Melanie and Elizabeth moments after she was born.  I cried tears of happiness and relief.  They were both okay.  Every minute that followed after that was free of anxiety.  Those first moments, that the first time, I tried my best to enjoy while still having anxious feelings hanging in the background.

For a while afterwards, I did have some moments where I questioned whether or not I made the right decision to not go into that operating room.  It kept me from writing this post a lot sooner.  I am able to look back now though and see that I was in over my head mentally.  I desperately needed that support from both Melanie’s mother and also from my sister in the waiting room.  It would have been so much harder without them.


Carol-Ann, thank you for taking my place when I couldn’t.

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